Continuing on this “all-natural” quest, I’ve started a 21 Day “Cleansing Fast”.  The goal of the fast is to get one to a place of clean eating (no added salt or sugar, no sodas, no processed foods, no fried foods…you get the point).  My goal includes more.

Now, I’ve done this fast a number of times and of all the times I’ve done it, only twice did I not cheat.  Those were the two times I did it for “spiritual reasons”.  In essence, I just wanted something from God and thought that if I showed my discipline and sacrifice, He’d have to reward me with what I wanted, when I wanted it.  I can be such a Pharisee.

The failed attempts were when I was doing it for an event or an outfit.  Usually, an outfit for an event.  I wanted to look cute and I wanted to be told I was cute, because I needed the distraction and validation of the compliments so I still wouldn’t have to deal with me.  Once that super cute outfit hugged me just right, I was off the fast…until the next facade.

This time is different, however.  This time, I am doing it for me!  I am doing it because I have to prove to myself that without the focus on the validating compliments and, without the distraction of a needed facade, I am worth it.  So, I will push beyond my greedy desires to crunch on Taco Shop, snack on Salt and Vinegar chips and, indulge in Dibs (all while wondering why, even though I work out 5-6 days a week, these last few pounds won’t disappear) simply for me! All of me.

This time I will show myself that I am worth the struggle (yes, it is a struggle…and, it’s real).  This time, I will embrace the mental clarity that comes with fasting, instead of turning on the TV or iPod to drown it out.  This time instead of moaning and complaining about how hungry I am (I probably still will), I will pray and, I will be still and, I will Selah.  With my mind clearing,  I will see things as they are and, in turn I will be thankful for the many unmerited blessings I have been given.  I will take this time to ask God to forgive me, I will forgive myself and, I will forgive others (for good).  I will use these precious moments to have real conversations with loved ones and, when I ask them, “How are you doing?”, I will listen.  It won’t just be a greeting this time and, I won’t over talk them, trying to solve their problems.  I will simply listen.  And when they are done, I will only share my love and respect for them.  I will encourage them in their dreams and aspirations.  I will build them up and hope to leave them better than they were when our conversation began.  I will do further research on the library I plan to open, I will run longer, I will hike further, I will write letters and, I will grow.

This time, the struggle will last beyond the thirty thousand, two hundred and forty minutes required of the fast.  This time, the discipline will seep into day 22, week 4, the 505th hour and, the 30, 241st minute.  This time, it’ll stick.

With every minute, of each hour, making up every day in the weeks that follow, I will be made better. I will grow closer to the Father, I will be more spirit led,  I will be a beacon of love and light.  And, as the Father’s relentless beckoning of me, causes me to deny my own wants and stick to that which I have said, I will become more like Him – all together lovely.